The Need To Make Sure
by syriala
Summary: Bucky got hurt on a mission and Tony seems to be under the impression that it's his fault. Bucky disagrees.


"You're a fucking idiot" were the first words Bucky heard when he slowly opened his eyes.

He was in an unfamiliar room and he was disorientated. He spotted Tony at the end of his bed, _a_ bed because this was not his room, and when he saw the bruises on Tony he slowly remembered.

There had been a fight, a bad one at that, and Bucky had done what he needed to do to keep the team save. To keep Tony save. Seemed like it had worked well enough.

"How bad?" he rasped and Tony gripped the metal at the end of his bed hard.

"You're only alive because of the serum. To many broken bones to really count them, internal bleeding, impaled on rebar, severe concussion and blood loss, not to mention that you nearly got electrocuted by the arm."

Bucky was still trying to take all that in when Tony went right on. "We will have to work on that. That can never happen again. It's unacceptable."

Bucky knew Tony well enough by now to see that he blamed himself for that. He looked down at his arm and tried to move it but nothing happened.

"Don't try it. We shut it down. I didn't have time to check on it."

Bucky looked back at Tony who was still gripping his bed hard. "How long?" he asked.

"Three fucking days praying for you to survive. After that another five for you to wake up. You are a fucking stupid idiot you know that?"

Bucky had never been gone that long after an injury. It seemed like Tony hadn't exaggerated when he had listed all his injuries.

"The team?" Bucky asked in favour of ignoring Tony's rhetorical question and hoped that he at least saved the team.

There wasn't a place on his body that didn't hurt, except for his metal arm and even that felt wrong since it didn't get any sensory input, and Bucky hoped to hell that it had been at least worth it.

"They are fine. They are all fucking fine. Minor bruises and scrapes." Bucky smiled at that and Tony pointed a finger at him. "Don't even. That was one stupid thing to do."

"You needed a distraction" Bucky said and his voice was slowly getting better and his memory also came back.

"We could have done without the distraction thank you very much" Tony answered but Bucky knew that that wasn't true.

As far as he remembered Tony had been as good as dead when he decided to be the bait, not to mention the rest of the team whose hands were bound at that time. But

before he could say as much Tony's finger was back in his face.

"You are an idiot. You could have gotten yourself killed. Do you know what that would have done to the team? We didn't need a fucking distraction!"

"You..." Bucky started but Tony talked right over him.

"Jarvis could have distracted them. I just needed a second longer to figure out how."

Bucky wanted to point out that Tony probably didn't have a second back then but Tony just kept going.

"You deserve to be here for just being plain stupid. This was so unnecessary. Do you even know what this will cost us? What the treatment will cost? This is really..."

"Stupid. Yeah I got that" Bucky interrupted Tony who stared incredulous at him.

"You better" he spat and stormed out of Bucky's room.

Bucky tried to sit up when Tony left but was stopped by the pain that erupted everywhere. The dull ache had been a good enough hint but it really seemed like he was in a bad shape. Even after over a week of recovery.

Bucky breathed a few times to get a hold of the pain and he was too confused to do anything else but stare after Tony. That certainly hadn't been typical Tony behaviour.

Sure he was always worried when one of his teammates got injured and had to stay in medical for longer than just a check-up but Bucky had never seen him so angry.

And that meant something because Clint had pulled some pretty stupid stunts himself over the time but not once did Tony behave like that.

It took Bucky a couple of minutes to get his thoughts together again and the pain back under control. When he did he finally checked his room but there wasn't much to see except for a window, some chairs and a small table. Everything looked like a normal hospital room, neat and tidy.

The only exception to that were the table and one of the chairs. Papers were scattered all across the table and coffee cups were lying around everywhere. There was a blanket on the floor and a rumpled pillow and it looked suspiciously like someone had slept in that chair.

Bucky pulled up a brow, confused by what he saw and what Tony had just said but then Jarvis spoke up and Bucky guessed that he had been transferred to the medical wing in the tower.

"Might I translate that for you Mister Barnes: Sir was afraid and very worried."

"He was what?" Bucky asked still confused. This was so unlike Tony.

"He spend the last week in this room and refused to leave" Jarvis said and Bucky got the distinct feeling that the AI wasn't supposed to share this.

"But why? I am fine" Bucky said, still not understanding what was happening.

Tony didn't seem the type to hold a bed vigil. In fact, Bucky had never seen him do that. He always visited his teammates but shrugged it off as 'I just went by, thought I'd say hello' or he would find some very flimsy excuses. He wasn't the type to hold someone's hand over an injury.

"That was not so apparent the first three days. Maybe you should wait for the doctor to explain" Jarvis replied and that sounded very ominous.

Bucky waited patiently for about five minutes but when no one came to him he looked around for the button that would hopefully bring someone around. Bucky began to believe that it didn't work but finally a nurse came.

She peeked in and after briefly checking him over her eyes fell on the chair with the blanket and she seemed relieved that it was vacated.

Bucky started with "I want to" but was interrupted when she said "The doctor will be with you in a minute."

Before Bucky could respond to that in any way she was already gone again and Bucky sighed. He hadn't been a friend of hospitals when Steve had been sick all the time and it didn't seem like that would change anytime soon.

Even though the medical wing in the tower tried very hard not to give off the medical feeling it was very hard not to notice it. There were only so many things one could do to hide the medical machines and the smell was always the same no matter what hospital you went in.

While Bucky waited for the doctor he tried to sit up but the pain in his body erupted all at once again and with a hiss he abandoned his plan. Maybe lying wouldn't be so bad after all.

He had barely settled back down when the door opened again and the doctor came in. "Sergeant Barnes. It is really good to see you awake" he started and Bucky frowned.

"I didn't wake once during those eight days?"

"No, you didn't. You got us all quite worried" the doctor said and took a hold of the chart that was hanging on the end of Bucky's bed. He briefly skimmed over it and then nodded. "Your results are much better now. It seems like the healing factor of the serum finally kicked in full-time."

"Okay you need to explain what happened" Bucky said and the doctor gave him a tight smile.

"Of course. When your teammates brought you in you were unconscious. You broke your collarbone, your wrist, seven rips and dislocated your knee. When you fell you injured your liver and were impaled which caused more internal damage. When you came to us you had lost almost over a litre of blood and on top of that your arm was still not working right which caused little electric shock to curse through your body. Mr. Stark had to shut it down in order to prevent more damage.

You also had a severe concussion which forced us to introduce you to an artificial coma so that you could properly recover. It seemed like the serum kept you alive but it wasn't doing anything to heal you at all. You were barely hanging on by a threat but after day three you were starting to get better. We tried to wake you up on day five but you wouldn't and your body didn't heal properly. Up to now it seems."

Bucky was stunned. That sounded like he had just barely escaped death. No wonder Tony was behaving so strangely. He was too busy processing everything and the doctor seemed to notice.

"You are slowly getting better now but please don't move too much. The bones are still healing and you are nowhere near fine. Sitting up is fine if the pain isn't too much but I have to ask you to stay in bed. Your team is outside they were all quite worried."

Yeah Bucky could imagine that. He nodded as a sign that he had heard the doctor and he left. A few seconds later his team came into the room.

They were all there except for Tony and they all looked equally relieved.

"God, Buck, don't scare me like that" Steve said and carefully took his hand into his. "I thought you wouldn't make it."

"We all did" Natasha said and gently laid a hand on his leg.

"We were really worried" Bruce said from his other side and smiled at him.

"That was quite the stunt you did back there. Thought only I was so stupid" Clint told him and grinned brightly, though Bucky could still see the worry around his eyes.

"It's good to see you awake" Thor exclaimed and clapped his hands. "We shall throw a feast at your recovery."

Steve grimaced but Bucky squeezed his hand. "Maybe we'll wait with that 'till I am actually allowed out of bed" he said and couldn't help the little laugh that escaped him at Thor's sad face.

When pain shot through his side he quickly stopped and he reminded himself that laughing with broken rips was no fun at all. His eyes fell back on the chair and Steve sighed when he caught him.

"He wouldn't leave" Steve said and Bucky really didn't understand it.

There was no need for Tony to be physically present. Jarvis could always tell him if there was a change in his condition or if he was doing worse.

"He said he would drop by again later to take a look at the arm" Bruce said and Bucky could tell that he was as unhappy as Tony had been. "It really shouldn't be doing that" Bruce murmured as he stared at the arm.

"I'm sure you and Tony can fix it" Bucky reassured him and then he yawned. Being healed by the serum always took a toll on his body and he felt very sleepy.

"We'll leave you alone now" Natasha said and they all made their way to the door.

Before Steve could let go of his hand Bucky grasped it tighter. "Food, please?" he asked just as his stomach grumbled. The serum always required him to eat but when he was healing it was even worse.

"Sure" Steve said. "We'll be right back with something."

Bucky smiled at that and when they all left he decided to briefly close his eyes until Steve would return with some food.

Of course he fell asleep and when he woke up again it was dark in his room except for a blue glow. Bucky needed a few seconds to remember where he was and then he also recognized Tony in one of the chairs.

He was hanging half of off it, the blanket only resting in his lap and his head was propped against the backrest. He was only dressed in a thin shirt and that was the reason the arc reactor illuminated the room.

Bucky thought about waking him up but he decided against it. Who knew when Tony had last slept. No need to ruin that now.

When his stomach grumbled again he looked around to see a bag at the side of his bed. Steve had brought him burgers and donuts and even though the burgers were cold by now it was delicious. Bucky ate everything, his body requiring as much food as it could get to keep the healing process going, and then he went back to sleep.

When he woke the next morning Tony was gone and so was the evidence that he had every stayed in his room. The papers and the coffee cups and everything looked as boring and tidy as one would expect in a hospital.

Bucky felt a bit sad that Tony wouldn't spend another night with him; he quite enjoyed the fact that Tony cared.

But he shouldn't have worried because not an hour after Bucky woke up Tony marched into his room, his toolbox by his side. "I'm gonna take a look at that now" he said and pointed at the arm.

"Yes, please. It feels strange when I have no control over it."

Tony didn't acknowledge that and instead went to work without another word.

"So, you know I'm fine right?" Bucky eventually asked when it looked like Tony would work on his arm without saying another thing.

"Yes" came the short reply and Bucky sighed.

"Then why did you sleep in my room last night?"

Tony briefly stopped but then quickly resumed his work. "I didn't" he finally said without looking up at Bucky.

Bucky wasn't quite sure why Tony didn't want to admit to that but he decided to not pressure him.

"Okay then" Bucky said and Tony seemed relieved that there were no more questions.

Tony only briefly looked into the arm before he closed it up again. "I'll need more parts for this. I'll be back."

He gathered his tools up and was gone before Bucky could do something.

Tony came back to his room several times that day, always claiming that he forgot something, that he needed to test this and that, that he needed a new analysis or new parts and Bucky couldn't help his fond smile.

It was obvious that Tony was just looking for excuses to come back time and time again and that night when Bucky woke up once more the arc reactors light filled the room again even though Tony didn't bring a pillow or blanket.

When Bucky woke up in the morning Tony was already gone.

It went on like that for the next three days; Tony found more and more unbelievable excuses to come to visit Bucky and even though it was kind of obvious that Tony did not, in fact, had to check the arm out again, Bucky didn't call him out on it.

On the fourth day Bucky was allowed to leave since he healed quite nicely now and that was also the day Tony finally turned the arm back on.

He seemed wary, like he expected the arm to misbehave again, but everything went smoothly and Tony promised Bucky that something like that would never happen again. Bucky believed him and told him as much but Tony still seemed worried.

When he came to his floor everyone had gathered around, throwing a little party for Bucky and he quite enjoyed it even if he still tired quickly. There was a lot of food and that was more important to him than sleep.

He still must have fallen asleep at some point during the party because when he woke up he was on the couch, blanket over him and Tony in the chair next to the couch.

Bucky couldn't help the small smile but when Tony stirred he quickly pretended to be still asleep.

Tony got up and walked over to him, gently brushing a few strands of hair out of Bucky's face and then he walked away.

When Bucky was sure that Tony was gone the slowly sat up. Huh. That had been strange.

Tony had always been loud and sarcastic when it came to Bucky, never fond or gentle and it only made Bucky worry. That behaviour was as strange as the fact that Tony seemed to still hold vigil at his bed and Bucky wondered if he should address it.

He thought back to the one time he had mentioned it and the way Tony seemed to tense and decided that it probably wouldn't be a good idea. Instead he decided to ask Steve.

"Hey, do you know what's up with Tony? He's behaving strangely."

Steve gave him a look that he couldn't decipher. "Bucky, he thinks it's his fault" Steve said and yeah, okay, that made more sense.

If Tony thought it was his fault that Bucky ended up in medical then of course he would be around to keep an eye on him. But that didn't seem to be the only thing Steve wanted to say.

When Bucky raised his eyebrows at him Steve just shrugged. "Not my place to tell" he finally said and went away, leaving Bucky confused in the kitchen.

What the fuck was that supposed to mean.

The next evening when everyone went to bed Tony seemed to linger around longer than necessary and Bucky sighed.

"Tony" he called out from the couch and petted the spot next to him. "Come here" he said when Tony just stared at him.

Finally Tony started to move but he settled down in the chair and not next to Bucky.

"You know it's not your fault, right?" Bucky started without preamble and Tony nearly flinched.

"I don't know what you mean" Tony eventually said but his voice was low.

"No one could have known about the arm. It was just an unlucky coincident. It was not your fault. You know that right?" Bucky elaborated.

Tony looked surprised at that but then he shook his head. "Of course it's my fault. I should have tested it better. Made sure that something like this could never happen. I didn't even think about checking for that."

"And that's fine, Tony, really. I'm sure you took care of it now and it won't happen again."

"Of course it won't happen again" Tony exclaimed and stood up to pace around. "But you could have been killed by that, if not by anything else." He said it with so much self-loathing that Bucky suspected there was something else happening here.

"Do you think it's your fault that I got hurt?" he carefully asked and Tony kept his back towards him.

"Maybe" he said after several minutes and finally turned back to Bucky. "If I wouldn't have been in that position…."

He trailed off but Bucky got the gist of it. "I wouldn't have had to do that" he finished Tony's sentence and he nodded.

"I could have been more careful. I know that I take too many risks sometimes but I never would have thought that someone, that you, would get hurt because of it."

Tony crossed his arms in front of his chest and it seemed like a wall to Bucky.

"We all take risks. That's nothing new. And it was my decision to do it. I knew it would end badly, but I wasn't even thinking about myself."

Tony looked at him then, eyes wide, and it seemed like he wanted to speak but in the end he kept his mouth shut.

"Look. It went over fine, didn't it? You are alive and unhurt and I am good now. There's no reason to blame yourself."

"You're good now. But you weren't. You weren't, Bucky, and the doc said to prepare for the worst. Did he tell you that your heart stopped several times? We lost you more times than I care to count during those three days and I just …" Tony trailed off and Bucky hadn't known that. No one had mentioned that to him.

He thought back to all the times Steve had been sick and closer to death than to being alive and Bucky suddenly understood.

"That's the reason you stayed in my room. Why you slept in the chair. To make sure that it won't happen again."

Tony avoided his eyes but he nodded. "It helps to see that you are still breathing."

And Bucky could understand that. He had stood watch over Steve's sickly form so often, he couldn't even count all the nights he had abandoned sleep in favour of watching Steve breath.

Bucky had obviously stayed silent for too long because Tony was already making his way to the elevator. "It's fine. You're good now. I won't do it again" he said and waited for the elevator doors to open.

"Tony" Bucky called after him and made his way to him as quickly as he could. "I didn't say I mind, did I? I was just thinking…sleeping in a bed would be better. For both of us."

"Yeah, I know. I'm out of here in just a second" Tony said and he sounded tired and sad. Bucky grabbed his arm when he wanted to go into the elevator.

"That's not what I meant" he said and waited until Tony looked at him. "This floor does has a bedroom, you know. With a bed big enough for us both."

Tony took a surprised step back and it seemed like he wanted to recline.

"I get it, Tony. I know how important it can be to see someone still breathing. I understand that. And I don't mind. If it puts you at ease I am happy to help."

Tony seemed to wait for something else, maybe for Bucky to admit that it was all a joke, but when nothing else came he nodded.

"I…would like that. Thank you" he said and his voice was still quite.

Bucky took his hand in his and lead him over to his bedroom. When they settled down Tony kept a polite distance to Bucky even though he could tell that Tony wanted to touch him.

They lay facing each other so that Tony could see every breath that Bucky took and while Bucky felt uneasy at the other's intense eyes on him he also felt safe. It was good to know that someone cared so much.

Before he fell asleep he extended his arm to put his hand over Tony's who gently squeezed his hand. This time when Bucky woke up Tony was still there.

* * *

This really is just another chapter that would belong in the Night Drabble work but since it's above a certain word count I decided to post this individually.

I hope you had fun!


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